To Damey

The first time I saw you I fancied you, and the first time you smiled at me; I knew that I hoped that it might become more.

It was on holiday in Spain, almost 20 years ago, on the 13th of September that we met. And although our time together has not alwys been free of misfortune, that day was still the luckiest day of my life.

We were never the same. You were the heart and I was the brain. You lived in the moment, while I dreamt of what we might become. You were the loose cannon, and I was the sensible one. You would get carried away and I would remain sober, even when drunk. Sometimes it caused issues but more often than not it just worked. You brought vibrancy and spontaneity to our life together, and I helped us keep from falling completely off the rails! I liked to plan for the future, but you always focussed on the here and now. Perhaps our fate has proven that you were right all along!

We´ve had some fantastic times together but I never imagined that they would end so soon. We´ve travelled the world and experienced a lot of what life has to offer, sometimes more than is probably sensible.

We flew Business Class back to New Zealand because you always wanted to feel that you had “made it”. But we never imagined that you might not make it back!

The trip felt ill-fated from the start. With Mummy-Di falling ill in November and you having to fly home to New Zealand without me to be with her and family for her last days. Half of the reason for the big trip we´d planned ended there and then. We haemorrhaged money trying to push through and have the trip of a lifetime, but with the trauma of our cat Bonnie being killed while we were away, at that moment we wished we´d never left.

But understanding the nature of your passing - it could have happened whether we´d had the trip or stayed home. Having went, at least we have those memories of doing those magical things, reconnecting with family and friends, and making the best our remaining time together.

Your passing might have been less dramatic at home, but you sometimes were a bit of a drama queen! Maybe there would have been less horror, trauma, confusion, doubt and fear. Fewer complications and less red tape. Less waiting around and wondering when you might come home. But the experience showed me things that I might not have seen otherwise, and it might have other consequences we don´t yet understand.

After meeting in Sitges near Barcelona, Spain quickly felt like our second home, and it was always inevitable we would move here permanently one day.

Our life was not all buttercups and daisies. And many know we had plenty of issues to work through. Some people might happily accuse us of “living the dream” but no one should think that other people’s lives are devoid of pain, regardless of how idyllic things look from the outside. Living and surviving love can bring as much pain as happiness, but I know we are better people, more complete people, for having lived and loved.

Although I can´t imagine running Grapevine Manor without you, I know that I can´t imagine being anywhere else without you either. We´ve met so many wonderful people and have felt more love and affection here than anywhere else we have lived on the planet. Who would have thought that such a backwater would be so welcoming and accepting of two aging poofters literally acting like Lords of the Manor.

So, maybe I will try and stay around here for a bit, try to ask for help when I need it, but take time for solitude when I need that too! I will watch the sunset on my own and let myself feel the pain of your absence, but I will also let myself be distracted by the world around me and forgive myself for a smile or a laugh that comes unforced.

I already miss you more than I can cope with and I know the pain will come in waves for months and years to come. But you always said I was the strong one – and I promise I will try my best to prove you right one day.